Abundance of Guilt

“Where’s the evidence of you being lazy? There is none! In fact, you need to allow yourself to rest without beating yourself up. Self-care is important.”

Today, I learnt that I am not as lazy as I constantly think I am.

But you see, self-control was never a forte of mine.

Oh so afraid of intoxication.

And overindulgence would soon follow.

What if I stop being functional altogether?

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How’s it going to end?

I got upset over some news about parking apps being introduced as an alternative for paying carpark fees other than coupons earlier tonight. And now I can’t remember my exact chain of thoughts, or what exactly was so upsetting about that piece of news. 

Anyway. 

Who teaches a teacher?
Who dresses a hairdressers’ hair?
Who counsels a counsellor?

Humans need other humans. Why can’t some people see that? Why do some belittle others?

My memory is obviously failing me. Now I can’t even remember what triggered my whipping out of the phone in the dead of night to type this chunk of text. I thought I had an epiphany but I guess it escaped… somehow. 

How’s it going to end? 

I wonder.

What is the point?

Wednesdays this semester have been nothing but depressing.

It’s sad how a simple topic (water) can surface so many social, environmental and moral problems. I know the right attitude to this class is supposed to be, “Oh, let me make a difference by designing something to solve these problems!” But somehow I just feel so small, insignificant and powerless to change anything.

Alternate Thursdays too.

Counselling hasn’t been too useful either. Alright, maybe I’ve learnt how to identify all my negative thought patterns. But so what? It doesn’t make any of them less real to me. It only makes me more ashamed of myself, and the fact that I am too weak to view things optimistically and too lazy to do something about it.

See, the same conclusion occur to me all the time – I’m trapped.

Why do we exist again?

Rambutan

Thankful to have found a special one 🙂

It’s funny how I’m rooming with Xiantian this month but I hardly see her in the two weeks that school have started. This semester is gonna be tough when she leaves for Taiwan. Sigh.

In retrospect, perhaps no semester can be tougher than the previous one…?

I like to learn new things. So much so that I signed up for woodshop class despite being terrified to death of bandsaws and the likes of it. My mind tends to convince itself that they are killer-machines out to get my limbs. Anyhow, I cut my first piece of wood on Monday and all my body parts are still perfectly intact. Hooray.

This is a somewhat decent update in a really long time. I’m slowly learning how to write again. Last semester was that difficult. Please be proud of me.

Some things I learnt this summer:

1. My greatest pet peeves are wastage and tardiness

2. You can get away with anything as long as you look attractive 

3. Koreans aren’t as polite as I was told, but they sure are vain though

4. Kindness doesn’t kill, it never does

5. Nowadays I only blog when I’m upset

To: Someone who was once a big part of my life

Hello,

Greetings from Seoul! I’m here for a month of summer studies and the reason I’m writing this is because I haven’t deleted your address from the memo pad on my phone since my last visit to your house. So I thought, why not? ^-^”

I was actually pretty hurt by some of your words that day, even though I might have seemed okay. I was just acting nonchalant to salvage what little dignity I might have left. Though you told me that you hated sentimental people, I realised that I am not sorry for being one. I guess I still can’t get over the fact that we aren’t really friends anymore.

I sincerely hope you are doing fine.

P/S: I chose this postcard as it reminded me of the time we ate Superdog while watching fireworks together at Vivocity. And I can’t help but wonder now, were you really happy then? I knew I was.

Siqi
30/6/17