Phony

“What does it mean to be happy to you?”

*shrugs*

“Let’s rephrase that. How do you see yourself if you no longer have these negative thoughts?”

“I don’t know? I guess… then… I wouldn’t be me anymore.”

I feel like I have been doing a Holden Caulfield the whole of this semester. Or maybe my entire life, idk?

“You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn’t a bad mood at all; it’s just your sucky personality.”

Megan McCafferty

Hear, hear.

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Abundance of Guilt

“Where’s the evidence of you being lazy? There is none! In fact, you need to allow yourself to rest without beating yourself up. Self-care is important.”

Today, I learnt that I am not as lazy as I constantly think I am.

But you see, self-control was never a forte of mine.

Oh so afraid of intoxication.

And overindulgence would soon follow.

What if I stop being functional altogether?

How’s it going to end?

I got upset over some news about parking apps being introduced as an alternative for paying carpark fees other than coupons earlier tonight. And now I can’t remember my exact chain of thoughts, or what exactly was so upsetting about that piece of news. 

Anyway. 

Who teaches a teacher?
Who dresses a hairdressers’ hair?
Who counsels a counsellor?

Humans need other humans. Why can’t some people see that? Why do some belittle others?

My memory is obviously failing me. Now I can’t even remember what triggered my whipping out of the phone in the dead of night to type this chunk of text. I thought I had an epiphany but I guess it escaped… somehow. 

How’s it going to end? 

I wonder.

What is the point?

Wednesdays this semester have been nothing but depressing.

It’s sad how a simple topic (water) can surface so many social, environmental and moral problems. I know the right attitude to this class is supposed to be, “Oh, let me make a difference by designing something to solve these problems!” But somehow I just feel so small, insignificant and powerless to change anything.

Alternate Thursdays too.

Counselling hasn’t been too useful either. Alright, maybe I’ve learnt how to identify all my negative thought patterns. But so what? It doesn’t make any of them less real to me. It only makes me more ashamed of myself, and the fact that I am too weak to view things optimistically and too lazy to do something about it.

See, the same conclusion occur to me all the time – I’m trapped.

Why do we exist again?