The First Baby Step

Just for a moment, let me be narcissistic:

I am a walking mass of contradiction.

I love one-to-one conversations. But because I am awkward as hell and because I think at the speed at which a snail walks, most of the time I cannot carry a conversation well. Which is why despite my introversion, I also love being in a group.

In the former, I am 50% of the conversation. This means that I cannot afford to shut down my mouth even when I have nothing to say or when I get tired of talking. Whereas in the latter scenario, I can just lurk around and smile and listen to all your stories without causing anyone to feel awkward as hell.

I love to talk.
I love to listen.
I love to laugh.
I love people who can make me laugh.
And above all, I love humble people.

I love sincerity, too. I hate when I cannot let go of people whom I already know are just pretending to be sincere. I wish they would stop clinging onto me. But I recognize that even acting takes effort, and I am afraid of the day in which they finally decide that I am not even worth their tiniest bit of energy. So I end up clinging onto them instead.

Who’s the drama queen now?

I am a walking mass of contradiction.

I am afraid of so many things. Another of which is how people might perceive me when I finally hit the publish button to this post. I want to stop the self-censorship, I want to act crazy too.

But I don’t remember how and I hope that one day I might learn to love myself again.

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