“So what’ve you been up to?”
Being envied for a life from which I’m desperately trying to escape.
“Oh you know, just been lazing around at home.”
What else was I supposed to say? If only you could comprehend the vacuum that’s consuming my entirety, the hopelessness that’s crashing me onto shores of despair, the constant voice in my head that’s screaming YOU ARE A WASTE OF SPACE, drowning out every ounce of logic I draw, and washing away any shred of evidence (if there were even any to begin with) of the contrary.
There are some of them too, amidst the bad ones.
Like finally getting a replacement for the faulty phone. Or being treated to a delicious meal. Watching an awesome musical movie and enjoying all of its songs and numbers. Spending an entire evening with friends, playing good ol’ fashioned games like aeroplane chess, uno, snap, and monopoly.
For when times are bad, remember these moments.
“Discomfort and pain is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” – Susan David
Time to stop running away. And probably start running. Literally.
Not a scientist.
Not a florist.
Not a potter.
Not an artist.
Not a craftsman.
Not an animator.
Not a photographer.
Not a writer.
Not a designer.
Not good at anything.
Today was supposed to be the day I got my life back together.
For a good start, which involved me settling down behind my desk (hasn’t happened in a year), the following chain of events didn’t quite work out.
My macbook charger died on me.
1. Submit online visa application
2. Watch Facebook videos from Darrell
3. Submit course-matching request and sort out timetable
4. Let the fact that school has started (but not for me) sink in
5. Make myself a cup of hot tea and reflect on last semester (plus grades)
6. Blog/Write something substantial
Baby steps, baby steps. Pace yourself.
Appearance is everything.
All they can see are the absences, the lack of exploration, the sub-standard work, the clumsiness, and the late submission. So they think it’s a serious lack of effort.
When everything is quite the contrary, really.
They won’t know how much effort it took to complete (disastrous) work on time on days when even breathing becomes a chore.
“What does it mean to be happy to you?”
“Let’s rephrase that. How do you see yourself if you no longer have these negative thoughts?”
“I don’t know? I guess… then… I wouldn’t be me anymore.”
I feel like I have been doing a Holden Caulfield the whole of this semester. Or maybe my entire life, idk?
“You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn’t a bad mood at all; it’s just your sucky personality.”